Who am I? A question of identity

Are you one of those people who always knew what they wanted to be? Not me. I have searched most of my life for who I am and what I am to be.What is my purpose in life? I have a natural confidence so I find it somewhat easy to fake it usually.

I love to watch people. Often I wonder what makes them tick. Some seem so confident in who they are and where they belong. They have figured out their careers. It gives them a sense of being. It can define our existence. Where people come from or their cultural underpinnings can give them meaning. What we have accomplished, where we live, the size of our income, the size of other things, who we know, who we date, who we love, where we went to school, physical prowess, mental prowess, sexual prowess, our clothes, our cars, our figure, our hair, our height, our weight, our discoveries, the books we read, our position at work, whether we own a business, our toys, and plenty of other things we use to tell others who we are. It helps to establish our value and defines us. If you are in church, you've been taught how important it is to believe correctly. We have used those beliefs to define us and from what I can tell to exclude others. We have formed groups around those beliefs to state our position and to clarify who belongs. I have a friend who coined the term "doctrinology." What doctrinology means is we define who we are by what we believe. If we believe correct, we are correct or so the saying goes. In the christian circles I have run in, people were defined by their gift or their office. Sometimes meaning came from the particular church they attended, or who their pastor was. If the church is successful and I go there, then naturally by definition I am successful as well.

So do I actually have anything to say? I think so and this is it. We were created by God and by definition it has always been His intention that we are to find our meaning, our value, our purpose, and our identity in Him. He's the only thing that never changes. Because I know Jesus, I am a loved son, a child of God. Accepted because of what He has done, forgiven, empowered, and satisfied. The world and all the things we mentioned change and adjust and, if our identity is in those things then when they change we become insecure. We no longer know who we are because our basis of belief has now shifted and we must shift with it. It causes us to have to defend our position (some call that being defensive.) Our sense of personal meaning can not endure that shift. We become unstable because our foundation is unstable. God has built into each of us a need for stability and a need to know who we are. His grace has liberated us. It's not what I do for Him that defines me it's what He's done for me. That's something that will never change.

Seeing things through a different lens

Whether Mom and Dad knew it or not I grew up as a wild child of the 60's and 70's.While in my freshmen year at college the lifestyle took its toll and life came crashing to what felt like an abrupt halt. My parents were in the process of a divorce, my life choices were killing me, and suicide felt like a real option. It was from this place that I was introduced to Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Though my family had been to church occasionally I don't remember anything of substance or value from the experience. I will say that night in my dorm room has left an impact that has lasted 36 years. After my conversion ( man when I got religion I really got it ) things started to change. Not everything all at once, but slowly my introduction to Jesus began changing my lifestyle. The desire to change had been placed inside me and I was loving it. I couldn't get enough of spiritual things. For years I was there whenever the church doors were open. Passion didn't waver and the years that followed brought me to the realization that I wanted to pastor. From previous posts you know some of that story.

Things had started well, what happened? Somewhere along the line trying hard had become part of the routine. It then became important to encourage others to try hard as well. We had to give our best to God right? Wasn't He up there finding out who was naughty and who was nice? Doling out blessing and punishment to the deserving. I don't know how it all got so whacked out I just know it did. It was during this time in my life that my belief structure was centered around trying to please God with my attitudes and my actions so I would be approved. Bible verses like " study to show yourselves approved unto God a workman who need not be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth." and "work out your salvation with fear and trembling" greatly influenced my life. " My soul follows hard after God " was on my mirror reminding me what was right and the posture I was called to walk in. All to say I gave it all I had. Too many disappointments to count later and I was losing my hope and my faith.

Through it all I knew Jesus was real, people were difficult, and something was wrong. Losing everything is a great way to realign. A study of Romans 5 reveals that even though we were estranged from God He still loved us through the work of His Son Jesus on the cross. Yet after I became a christian I kept trying to make God happy with me with what I was doing for Him. If I failed He would leave because He couldn't look on me or my sin. There were a list of requirements I had to do to make myself rightous before Him. Though sincere I was terribly mistaken. There was never anything I could do for God to make me righteous and there was never anything I could do to keep me righteous. As I thought  about it for awhile it began to become clear to me in reality I was laboring to be "self-righteous." This lifestyle  kept the focus on me and what I did and how I felt. My actions affected God. As the lights began to turn on for me in these areas I started seeing through a different lens, a God lens, a grace lens. All of life is summed up in Christ. It was His death, burial, and, resurrection that gave me access to God the Father. It is His work that keeps me in right standing. Nothing that I do on my own changes my position in Christ. Nothing. I was killing myself trying to please a God already pleased with me because of the work of His Son. He loves us completely. In Him I am learning life. To know that I am a loved son and you are too. This is the good news of the gospel you are received, complete in Him. Nothing you do can change that. Freed from judgement and punishment because of Christ. It truly is a better way and the implications go on and on and on.................

So what was the point ?

Is God up there somewhere just looking for a chance to ruin our good time? Does He even notice? Are we on our own with no hope for help or encouragement in our time of need? To be honest I have learned so much since the changes that have occurred to me in the last 5 years through the circumstances that I have described in my first 2 blogs. I did not want to admit it to myself that I was often angry at God, disappointed in the way He would treat me (even though I was trying so hard for Him), and I found that I was using prayer as a vehicle to accuse Him. In our prayer times it would go something like this "God we are waiting here faithfully for You and You are not showing up. We will keep on trying, but what will it take to get You to move? We know you are reluctant to join us without the proper sacrifice and we will do whatever it takes to finally get You moving."

I know that this is a strong statement.  Without realizing it, I believe many in the body of Christ to include myself with this approach have changed the way orthodox christianity defines the way God interacts with man and man interacts with God. I believe it takes the good news of our faith and turns it into a list of do's and don'ts (which is the law as described in Galatians).

I was in a situation where I felt I constantly had to monitor myself to make sure God wouldn't get mad at me and leave me alone with my sin. That if I did all the rights He wanted me to do and avoid the wrongs He would be happy with me and the result would be He would bless my life. I don't how those thoughts got to the center of my devotion, but looking back I know that it is true. And I beleive I have seen it and heard it from many others as I have pastored over the years. An old sage once said" What if you spent your whole life making apple pies for God and in the end found out God didn't like apple pie?" It is my observasion that too much of twentith century christianity will be seen it that way as we look back at it years from now.